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[whathawksdo]

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[sassguard]

[ Oh. Oh. Shepard's expression shifts, subtly. He'd understood, from the desperation in her voice, that it had been personal. He just hadn't realized how personal it was until now. ]

Someday? [ He lets the question hang, but quietly. ] You made it sound like you were ... trying to save him from something.

[ But from the look on her face, the solution hadn't been much better than the problem. ]

[whathawksdo]

I thought I had, but I know better now.

[ Whether Carver's made his own peace with that or not, well, that wouldn't exactly rid Hawke of the lingering guilt even if he has. ]

He became very ill on an expedition. One I let him come along on. There's no cure, not really. [ She sighs and leans back against the couch, sliding down into a slouch. ] I used to think the Grey Wardens had one, but it's not that. Not really. They just... just survive it longer because of, well, whatever it is they do. I don't actually know that part.

[sassguard]

[ The rambling narrative doesn't really make sense, making references to things Shepard doesn't know of, but he can get what's important from context -- and he can guess how it plays into Hawke's fears. ]

You think he blames you for what happened?

[whathawksdo]

Sometimes he seems alright with being stuck with the Wardens, but... it was never his decision. I took that choice away from him. Who wouldn't resent that?

[sassguard]

You don't think he wouldn't do anything to save you, if your positions had been reversed?

I don't know a lot about your world, but from where I'm standing, he has more options alive than dead.

[whathawksdo]

Not as many options as you may think. Still, he would have saved the world a lot of trouble if our positions had been reversed...

[ Although what that entails, who knows. Only she does and she doesn't try to explain it further. ]

But no. We don't always get along, but I can't imagine him letting me die if he could help it, either.

[sassguard]

Was he younger than you? [ The pitch of Hawke's voice and her expression remind him a little of Miranda in this moment -- worrying after someone they cared for, but couldn't do much about. What she means about the world being better off is something he's curious about, but not something he feels the need to pry into, for now. ]

Is there a reason he can't leave the Wardens? You make it sound like some kind of cult.

[whathawksdo]

Yes. By a few years. And it's more an order, but cult isn't too far off. [ With how damn mysterious they are. ] No one could really stop him from leaving, I suppose, but you rarely see a Warden who's left. Anders was--

[ No, she doesn't want to talk about Anders. Hawke cuts off abruptly, scowling down adamantly at the carton, but then it evens back out into something just... exhausted. Admittedly, she already looked tired before, but now there's something irrefutably sad about it. ]

It doesn't matter. Carver decided to stay. He finally found somewhere that I couldn't overshadow him.

[sassguard]

[ That, at least, is enough to make Shepard's brows quirk a bit. Everyone's got a story to them, and it seems like Hawke, at least, is no exception to having family issues. Still, it wouldn't be the first time. ]

Why would he feel overshadowed?

[ The question's motivated by genuine curiosity, at least. Shepard doesn't have experience with siblings to speak of, but he's met enough to have a vague understanding of how strange families can be. ]

[whathawksdo]

Because I lead the way, made all the decisions. [ She offers Shepard a shrug, a weak one, half-hearted. ] When people did business with the Hawkes, it was more Hawke and her little brother, not Marian and Carver Hawke...

[sassguard]

Being the leader isn't all it's cracked up to be. [ He pauses to consider that, leaning against the couch back and smiling suddenly, wry. ]

You don't exactly strike me as a businesswoman, though. Not unless it involves setting things on fire, anyway.

[whathawksdo]

Does all business involve sitting behind a desk and writing on papers? [ Hawke can't help but sound a little offended, albeit not seriously. If she can sink any farther down where she sits, she does, though comfortably. ] Half of it was setting things on fire, to be honest, and I did outsource an awful lot of it to Varric for awhile...

[ Another person she misses so very much, so there's yet another miserable sigh. ]

What was there... smuggling, mercenary work, treasure hunting. Killed an awful lot of giant spiders. It was odd jobs, but it was still business.

[sassguard]

[ Shepard laughs, softly. He doesn't have a fondness for mercenaries, but he understands that Hawke comes from a different time -- a different place. Although there's an idea: Hawke with a spaceship at her disposal? Who knows what kind of trouble she'd get into... ]

Sounds a lot like working for the Alliance, though at least I had the benefit of getting a retirement plan. [ He gets comfortable too, lacing his fingers together over his stomach. ]

Was it always like that, for you? Even growing up?

[whathawksdo]

[ Ohhh, a Hawke with a spaceship would have given the Normandy a run for its money, assuming it was not, in fact, the Normandy that she absconded with in the first place. ]

Always? No. Of course not. My parents wanted nothing to do with adventures like that, so all we ever did was find nice, quiet farming villages and settle down on the outskirts. Never got too friendly with the neighbors, but it wasn't the worst of lives.